Yevamot 37b and Yoma 18b -- “Who Will Be Mine for a Day?” Temporary Marriage or legitimate prostitution?

     Can any married American man imagine himself living in a culture where it is completely legitimate to openly engage in a sexual relationship with another woman while on a business trip? Being accustomed to monogamy and shunning adultery, perhaps some of the married men I know would have preferred to live in the Talmudic times.

     While there is a tendency to down-play intimate information because of shame or modesty, we will see in the passages below that the Babylonian Talmud's redactors show no moral disapproval for extramarital relationship and admit that sexual urges have to be fulfilled even when it involves infidelity. Thus, they openly talk about great Torah sages, Rav and Rav Nahman, who would travel as part of their work to other Babylonian towns. Rav would come to Darshish, and Rav Nahman would come to Shkentziv. They would send their entourage ahead of time to choose for them a woman for the day.

     In Yoma 18b we read bizarre and incomprehensible incidents: 

When Rav came to Darshish, he announced, ‘Who will be [mine] for a day?’ When Rav Nahman came to Shkentziv, he announced, ‘Who will be [mine] for a day?’ 
      
     Imagine; in a distant foreign city, the rabbi cannot stay alone for a few days and he meets with a woman he does not know. He is with a new body, with new passion. She has no idea what this man’s weaknesses are, like his wife does. She sees him at his best!! Like in the fairy tale of Scheherazade, the Persian King demanded a new woman/virgin every day without getting to know her. These rabbis are looking for a sexual encounter. But – who knows… maybe there was one woman, whose name will never be mentioned in the Talmud, that a rabbi fell in love with, just like we read at the end of the Scheherazade’s story…

      There are many questions that can be asked;

     - What kind of relationship is meant by these words? 
     - Could it be a similar custom that the Japanese use with Geishas to entertain men on their journey?
     - What kind of compensation these women received by being the rabbi’s escort.
     - Does this practice reflect more than just promiscuity or immorality?
     - Is there no other ways to engage with a woman other than reliance on a prostitute in an unknown city?

      If you feel uncomfortable with the conduct ascribed to these rabbis, you are not alone. You got it! I think that we deal with legitimization of prostitution. But wow! Can it be so? Even the Talmud editors in Yevamot 37b were not entirely comfortable with this. They had the need to “redeem” or justify this immoral behavior. Thus, they came up with a concept called "A Marriage for a Day". “Who will be mine for a day” can be understood now as “Who will be my wife for a day?” The institution for a sexual release becomes “legal”… But – what does it say about the sanctity of marriage?

In Yevamot 37b we find the above statements of Yoma 18b repeated with a context:

     Rabbi Eliezer ben Yaakov said: A person should not marry one woman in this country and then go and marry another woman in another country lest the children of the two marriages pair up together and a brother inadvertently marry his sister.

      When Rav would visit the city of Darshish, he would announce:
"Who will be mine for a day?" And when Rav Nahman would visit the city of Shkentziv he would announce: "Who will be mine for a day?" But it is different with rabbis, because their names are well-known [thus no one would confuse the patrimony of their children].

     The rabbinic logic indicates that a marriage has to be established because the children of such unions might end up marrying their half-siblings. But why should it be a solution only for famous people such as rabbis? Because their children will be proud to say who their father is and avoid incest.

     Interesting enough, there is also a historical take on this practice which deals with a Persian custom. An account in Avodah Zarah 76b describes King Shapur who entertained two guests, Bati b. Toba and Mar Judah. Accordance to the Persian custom, the king "honored" them by sending to each a concubine. This gift was rejected by Mar Judah, but accepted by Bar Toba. Because it caused complicated embarrassment, Rav and R. Nahman declared themselves married to a wife in the city they visited, thus helping them escape the royal "gift.

     Ruth Calderon, in her book "Hashuk. Habyit. Halev." (The market. The home. The heart). Page 69,    also raises good questions:

     ‘Why did rabbis prefer to get involved in such a complicated procedure [one-day marriage] instead of remaining anonymous and simply sleep with a prostitute? After all, we know that there is precedent in the Talmud about men who are seized by their sexual drive: "He should dress in black and wrap himself in black and go to an unknown city." Perhaps, going to a prostitute was beneath the dignity of the rabbis, therefore they were willing to use women and damage the institution of marriage?’ [Not a direct translation from Hebrew]

     These sections in the Talmud bring up again and again the way in which women were treated in those days. Not with much respect. We see nothing about their role except imagining them as being like  prostitutes. Yes. Assumptions! How did she imagine that night while anticipating the arrival of the rabbi? Maybe she was hungry and wanted the festive wedding meal? Maybe she longed to become pregnant with a son of the Rav? Who knows!

     In conclusion I also wanted to point out another lesson I see in between the lines: We know that declaring a marriage for one day goes against the main principle of a marriage. On the other hand, it illuminates the dangerous slippery slope of a relationship that could became routine and meaningless. Perhaps we could become mindful of the idea that living one day at a time to its fullest is better than routine. What therapy could it be when we discover something new in our partner and take it in to its fullest – one day at a time. What if we take our own partner to a remote city and feel as if it is a one night stand…?

(C) Rabbi Ziona Zelazo

 TB Kiddushin 81b: Freedom to be recognized as a sexual being

I often have conversations with couples who share the most intimate feelings with me. One of the issues that is expressed is sexual deprivation that one partner feels. I think that in a healthy marriage, a couple can fight about anything, but then they can make love and soothe the bad feelings like a forgiving ritual. But when one is deprived of this opportunity, bitterness, sexual resentment and desperation build up. Surveys actually show that infrequent sex is the most common marital problem today. Partners express satisfaction in their relationship only when they engage in cuddling, talking and sex.

According to Judaism, marital sex is not intrinsically dirty or evil and in fact, is a mitzvah if it is done with love, within a marriage, and at the proper time. Interesting enough, there are many talmudic stories about men, who in spite of the commended obligation to sexually satisfy their wives choose to be celibate so that they can focus on Torah learning. There are other stories who tell about men (rabbis or pious) who have sex with prostitutes even though they are married. I hope to bring these stories to my blog very soon. This time I want to share a very unique story that triggered a number of social, gender and marital issues.

In the Gemarah, Kiddushin 81b we read a powerful story of Rabbi Hiyya and his wife, who is nameless.

Every time Rabbi Hiyya ben Abba fell upon his face [i] he used to say: “The Merciful save me from the evil inclination”. One day his wife [over] heard him and reflected: “He has abstained from being with me sexually for many years, so why is he praying for such things?” One day, while he was studying [Torah] in his garden, she disguised herself as a harlot repeatedly walking back and forth before him.

He asked her: “Who are you”?

She replied: “I am Herutha [ii] and I have returned today”.
He desired her and had sexual relations with her.

She said to him: “Bring me that pomegranate from the uppermost tree branch”. He jumped up and brought it to her. When he later returned to his house, he [found] his wife lighting the oven fire, where he got into this oven. She asked: “What does it mean”? He told her what had happened.

She said: “I was that woman”.
He replied: “Nevertheless, my intention was evil”.

I cannot even imagine this woman’s life but the text is clear that her sense of suspicion that perhaps her husband desires another woman is driving her to act in a stange way. Her masquerading herself to a harlot is telling a great deal about her need to be needed in the intimate way. If Rabbi Hiyya will be able to resist this “harlot” than she (the wife) can be assured that there is no way he desires another woman, and thus, she will find a good excuse why she sacrifices her intimate life for Sh’lom bayit – “peace at Home” for the sake of Torah study.

Being married to a man who takes her for granted, she needs to claim her own sexuality and dignity by giving herself a real boost to her self-esteem. She desires to be more than just a mother, housekeeper and wife who keeps the family running smoothly.

This is a story full of ironies; she gains her identity by acting like a prostitute and naming herself Herutha - Freedom. Sadly, she is paying a heavy price for this freedom, as it seems. How more painful could it be when he does not even recognize his wife as he asks: “Who are you”? She forces her husband to sin sexually – but doing it with her is not really a sin. And, all of this takes place in no other place than the garden – his place of study (a reminder of the story of Adam and Eve) to show that Torah learning is no protection against his sexual urges, and the lack of sex at home does not prevent him from thinking about it.

I believe that this story can be understood within our own cultural setting. It begs us to ask some critical questions about the status of women in the private and the public sphere, about the ethics of sexual relationship and intimacy and communication. What does it mean to be in a marital sexual ethical relationship? How do a husband and wife go without intimacy? Do women have to prostitute themselves in order to achieve proper recognition from their husband? What kind of “freedom” is there if a woman has to hide behind a mask in order to be recognized?

My last thought has to do with the lack of open communication between this couple, which cannot be healthy. There are only secrets and suspicions. Instead of confronting her husband directly, she questions his intentions in her own mind. Only after her proactive “test”, when he sits in the oven, ready to suffer a punishment for not controlling his urges, do they finally talk to each other. To his credit, he confesses the truth about his adultery. It is not his private prayer that makes a marriage go well, but in the real heart to heart discussion with intimacy.

I vote for Herutha as a model who demands consideration of sexuality and gender equality in our society. She holds this mirror for what a marriage should not look like, and asks not to become numb to the basic needs of a healthy marriage. Let us find a “Herutha” test in our own life not necessary. 

--------

[i] In Talmudic times after the Eighteen Benedictions each person prayed privately for whatever he desired while falling on the face.

[ii] A well-known prostitute of that town

©Rabbi Ziona Zelazo

Where Is The Holiness In The Kotel?

A personal reflection on Rosh Hodesh Menachem Av with the Women of the Wall

July 8th, 2013  (Published at the website of "Rabbis for Women of the Wall")

Rabbi Zelazo serves in the Circle of Honor of Rabbis for Women of the Wall


I was taught that when we treat a physical site as holy we create a sacred place. I learned that when we are in such a space, our intention to connect with the divine and our respectful behavior and love through prayer and contemplation build up a sacred energy. I lived my life believing that the Kotel, the Western Wall in Jerusalem is a holy and sacred place. But, on this last Rosh Chodesh Av, at the Kotel, I was emotionally paralyzed and could not feel the holiness that I was anticipating. On the morning of July 8, 2013, I entered this holy site with fear and overwhelming emotions in reaction to the haredim's unholy behavior. I painfully witnessed Jews contaminating the holy site of the Kotel and depriving me and 350 others from connecting to the divine in a way that we wished to.

Just three months ago the Women of the Wall achieved a victory in court in which the court ruled that women may pray at the Kotel with prayer shawls and reading from a Torah scroll. The government also provided police protection to the Women of the Wall. The gathering on that morning demonstrated, however, that one can never know what to expect on each Rosh Hodesh at the Kotel. While the abusive behavior of the haredim with their inappropriate conduct has continued each Rosh Hodesh since this victory, we faced still other issues.

At about 6:30 am I joined the Women of the Wall as we were bussed from Gan Hapa'amon to the Kotel. We were escorted by police to a fenced in area right beyond the entrance to the Plaza area. We felt safe up to this point. It was in this area that we ended up praying.


At about 7:00 am the women's section was packed with young haredi women and girls. When I say packed I mean they were standing right besides each other, creating a "wall to wall" carpet of bodies. Reports say there were about 7,000 of them. These women were summoned there by their rabbis to prevent the Women of the Wall from praying in the women's section.


On the other side, the men's section and the remaining space surrounding the Kotel were nearly empty. Yet, we were not allowed to get closer. There was enough space for us, but the police did not let us through!


The Kotel was not even in sight. Instead, we were facing a wall of people -- the police and (behind the iron barricades) the haredi men and teens. So we prayed in a space next to the public bathrooms, usually used by Police as a parking area.


The biggest disgrace was yet to come. We were facing haredi men protesters with signs, blowing whistles, throwing eggs and yelling "Natziot (Natzis) go home." The police were watching and did nothing. The police allowed these men to behave in such a way, even when a female journalist was physically attacked by a haredi man and woman. The haredi women stood on the side. They were calling us names and made faces at us. One called me "retarded." But then, there were the whistles. The constant loud and annoying whistles, which at times exceeded the singing of Women of the Wall. I will not forget the face of the woman who did not stop! I can still hear the echo of this ear bursting sound! And the police did nothing to stop her!!

One male rabbi shared with me that he experienced the most spiritual prayer service ever. I kept wondering where was the sense of kedushah -- holiness that he felt. I kept asking myself whether I was really praying while all of this was going on around me, being aware how hard I tried to stay focused. But all of a sudden I got it!! It was not what was happening around us, but what was happening among us. I realized that kedushah was created with each prayer, song, chant and intention that our voices uttered as we filled the air with energy; "Ozi V'Zimrat Yah, Vayehi li liyshuah" -- Yah is my strength and song has become my rescue." Yes! I too felt holiness because we established it with our presence and perseverance. By being there and not giving up on a vision of religious pluralism we made it a sacred mission. By bringing the young girl to mitzvoth and having her Bat Mitzvahed right there, there was holiness as we showed the way to the next generation. We created a sacred place right there at the Plaza next to the bathrooms.


So, I stood with my fellow men and women in front of these human barricades with awe; shaking and holding my tears, having a meaningful experience with emotions. I remember, as we sang the prayer for the Peace of the State of Israel and Hatikvah: "To be a free nation in our country" -- it was so special too, as it meant more to me than ever before.

I was thinking how my friends perceived me as a brave woman -- being there at the "front Line," but really, there is no bravery here -- I was there only because I wanted to be part of a dream for Israel and for my right to pray the way I want at the Kotel. I wanted to send a message to the Israeli government that the key to the Kotel has been given to us as well.

Rosh Hodesh Elul is coming soon and I am back in the States now. I will certainly be at the Kotel with the Women of the Wall in spirit -- May they go from strength to strength.

Bottom of Form

The spiritual dimension of the Prayer shawl [tallit] for women -- Menachot 43a,b

       When my daughter gave birth to her firstborn, [my first grandson], she taught me new ways to care for infants. One of the things that was new to me was the practice of swaddling the baby. The American Academy of Pediatrics claims that a blanket wrapped snugly around the baby’s body can resemble the mother’s womb and can help soothe the newborn baby.

      Snuggle? Yes. When I wrap myself in the prayer shawl – the tallit -- I feel like a baby that is swaddled. I feel wrapped securely in my tradition that is like a womb. I sense as if I am being enveloped with the soothing caring presence of God. I actually believe that the tallit helps me contain my own energy next to my body, so that I can connect better with the Divine. Praying without a tallit gives me a different sensation. Reading the Torah without a tallit feels like I am half naked.

      So why, do you think, has the vast majority of Orthodox rabbis determined that women cannot pray at the Kotel with a tallit/tzizit (* ? Why would men want to deprive women of a spiritual dimension of prayer? After all, we learn that Jewish texts do not mention the prohibition for women to wear a tallit!! Yes! Women are exempt from the obligation to wear the tallit but are not forbidden to wear it! The exemption comes from the Torah that address the "positive time-bound commandments” which only men are required to perform. For example, like waving a lulav during Sukkot, the mitzvah of tzitzit is also time-bound since it applies only during the daytime.

     According to the Gemara in Menachot 43a, in Talmudic times some respected sages let their wives and daughters wear a tallit. Rabbi Yehudah and Rabbi Amram used to attach the fringes to the garments of the women of the house --

  Rab Judah attached fringes to the aprons of [the women of] his household [For he held that women are also bound to wear tzizit]…  But since he attached [the fringes to the women’s garments], obviously he is of the opinion that it is a precept not dependent on a fixed time [For women must observe only those positive commandments that do not depend upon the time of the year or of the day for their performance].

The teaching continues to say that women are permitted to wear a tallit just like the others 
-- 

     Our Rabbis taught: All must observe the law of tzizit; priests, Levites, and Israelites, proselytes, women and slaves. R. Simeon declares women exempt, since it is a positive precept dependent on a fixed time, and women are exempt from all positive precepts that are dependent on a fixed time. What is the reasoning of Rabbi Shimon? It has been taught “and when you see it”, this excludes clothing worn at night.

      Wearing a tallit is not always a matter of halacha. It could also be a matter of a sociological/personal choice for many women I know. And despite the insinuations made by those who object to this practice, not all women who wear a tallit are doing so to fight for gender equality. They are not necessarily feminists who want to show that women can do what men do. They do not even care about the media and have no intention to upset the Ultra-Orthodox population. These women choose to wear a tallit because they find it meaningful on a spiritual level. Some will tell you that it helps them connect with God. Others will share that they want to fulfill a commandment that is dictated to all, not only to men. Basically, women challenge the position of Rabbi Moshe Isserles (Orakh Chaim 17:2) who felt that donning of a tallit by a woman would be an act of religious arrogance. While it is difficult for me to understand this logic, the variety of the most gorgeous feminine artistic tallitot you can find today, show the opposite. They bring a sense of pride for those who wear them, reminding them that they perform another mitzvah, which is Hiddur Hamitzvah -- the practice of excessively adorn a commandment with beauty. 

     The fact that the woman's tallit does not resemble the traditional pattern worn by men is actually in compliance with the decision of Rabbi Moshe Feinstein (a 20th century orthodox rabbi) who did not reject or object to women wearing a tallit, as long as they use differently colored tallit to avoid confusion with men’s clothes (Igrot Moshe, Orach Chayim 4:39).

     It does not surprise me that the symbolic ritual of the tallit has become such a focal point at the Western Wall, stimulated by the group called the Women of the Wall. It is not a new debate, as it has been a debate for ages noted in the history of Jewish law, going back to the 11th century in Egypt, Europe and Israel. The difference is that today, the fight to wear a tallit at the Kotel by the Women of the Wall has a wider implication- the struggle for religious freedom for women without undermining halacha at all. 

     Today I am troubled to witness the lack of religious pluralism in Israel and I am equally  concerned that the ideal of Israel as a democratic Jewish state is fading. I am not happy to see the power of a minority group -- that of the Ultra–Orthodox, calling the shots in Israeli daily life. This is why I respect the Women of the Wall; by insisting on praying their way with a tallit, they lead the way for a better understanding of the Jewish law.
------------
*) Tzitzit is the Hebrew for the specially knotted ritual fringes attached to the four corners of the prayer shawl] to the garments of the women of their houses -- Note that a prayer shawl without the tzizit is not considered a tallit.

(C)Rabbi Ziona Zelazo